A Blog by Jennifer Aulthouse

A heart for those who want more of God. A desperate plea for those who don't.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Being Filled

My tank is near empty, and as it continues to approach the Big E, suddenly an abundance of unforeseen things have appeared that ask for something more. Things I used to count on to act as a cushion I see now being shifted out of place so that I can’t look around and find them in their usual position, ready for me to fall on them, desperate for the rest I turn to them to provide. If I could have any superpower, right now I would wish for the ability to suspend time. I could sleep and sleep and sleep and recharge, without feeling like I’m letting anyone down by not coming through. Even the cat serves as a reminder that I’m not fulfilling my privileged duty as his grateful concierge when he doesn’t receive his daily massage! He’s laying on the floor in front of me, giving me a dirty look right now.

But the point of this is not to complain about feeling like a human colander, where all the energy and vivaciousness that is within me feels like it’s draining out and all I get to keep are the calories. Just that I need to keep my eyes open for the ravens and all the other myriad ways God is trying to get my attention with each day to let me see that there is rest in some form provided wherever I need it. Read 1 Kings 17-19 with your heart tuned in to how gentle and attentive God really is to Elijah. I’m not going to pretend my load is as his was, but it’s a load nonetheless. However, determining how heavy it feels to me is largely, if not wholly, my responsibility in the way I choose to distribute the weight. If I’m paying attention to scripture and choosing to live the way I declare to others that I already do, I would see that I’m invited to dump the heaviness of what I’m responsible for onto the outstretched arms of the Lord, taking the rest He invited me to, and start attending to the idea of being a raven for someone else, purely out of joy, because I am then rested in spirit, mind, and body. My ravens and the other agents of grace that He has so abundantly planted in my world come bearing nutrition and rest because they are His, they’ve been with Him, and they’ve taken what was offered to them and brought it where they’ve been told to go with it. I can’t be too proud or too busy or too distracted or too unaware to not notice this and take it for myself.

So this morning I was awakened a little before 4:00 - two hours before I wanted to get up - and I’ve got a full day ahead of me, with a lot of people who are going to want and need me for something that doesn’t feel like it’s of any importance unless I don’t do it, some who will want or need something that I know is important but the fatigue I’m dealing with will attempt to strip away my enjoyment in fulfilling this need, and a few people who will want nothing more than to share in something Awesome with me, because we’ve recognized what Awesomeness there is to share. They all are and must be valued because they are all valued by the Author of my story, who has left enough empty space between the words and in the margins for the story to come together.

Guard it, take it, and give it.

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