A Blog by Jennifer Aulthouse

A heart for those who want more of God. A desperate plea for those who don't.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

On Writing II

Like many other parts of me, I feel like my writing is way too flabby. It just wants to lay on the couch and be non-productive out of the sheer exhaustion of not being used, and yet I have absolutely no idea how to get it the continual exercise and training it needs to be in shape and ready to turn literary cartwheels should the opportunity arises. I suppose in most cases, I would tell myself that this is okay, I am a mom to young kids and I serve in many other ways, too, and I shouldn’t feel badly that I can’t devote whatever time and energy is needed to this writing thing. And there are nuggets of truth in this, but the fact is, even though the timing makes extremely little sense to me in this stage of my life, I’ve received a calling and somehow, it all needs to fit together.

So my writing has been laying on the sofa doing nothing, and this is a problem for many reasons: the biggest in my mind is because I have a word marathon coming up in the form of a speaking opportunity, and I need my writing to get its uninvolved behind off the sofa and put in the miles I need it to in order to present a good race. But there just aren’t enough conscious hours in a day left for me to tug and tug on its arms and get it off the sofa and prod it out the door and see where it goes.

Thus, I am beginning to panic. No, that’s not true. I’ve been panicking. Well, I’ve been alternating between panic and denying that I’m in panic. And there’s also a bit of euphoric delusion thrown in with the idea of having it come to me, say, the night before and just gleefully going in rogue, as opposed to having it written and practiced and polished until every last syllable is perfect.....my very vocal left-brained side had it all planned for it to play out this way. But I hear my heart remind me that God hasn’t called me to be a polished speaker......He’s called me to be an authentic communicator. That doesn’t excuse me from being unprepared, but it does require me to wait for His message to come and present it in the manner He wants, and if that’s raw and unencumbered by the desire to appear flawless, well, I have to submit to it.

So I will continue in prayer for the words to come, give as much time in front of the laptop as I can in anticipation for them to come, and also pray that I can rest knowing that God will not fail to provide. As well, I will force my lethargic writer persona to snap out of it and run some laps, in whatever manner I can.

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